Behind it all

I always believe there is a reason for everything. Something behind it all. Like when I was small.

My father was a soldier. When we were small he was seldom around. Either he was guarding the jungle or he was stationed in Sabah or Sarawak, across the ocean. Mom was stranded at home with a baby to take care of. I was the eldest. Naturally I have to take over my father's place to manage the family. Mode of transportation was the public bus. No car, no motorbike. I had a bicycle that I used to go to town and buy our weekly food supply. On my way home, my bicycle was laden with grocery bags. There were plastic bags on the front handle and on the back of my bicycle. If ever my tyre punctured, I had to push my overloaded bicycle all the way home, climbing up the steep hill.

If I'm sick, I would ride the bus on my own and went to the army hospital. I registered myself. The nurse on duty had to looked down over the counter to see her small patient. There usual question would popped out of her mouth, "Where's your parents?". I would asked the doctor to give me double dose because my younger sister had fever too but she was afraid to ride the bus with me without any grown up. I was used to doing things for myself.

All the hardship has transformed me into a tough person. I thanked to Allah for the strength all these experiences had given me. It's nothing compared to the strength Gaza people had inside them. Israel regime cannot kill the spirit and strength they had inside them. Their homes, offices and schools are torn down. Their comrades are killed by the day. But their faith to Allah is impenetrable.

So don't complaint about the hardship that we are facing. I have long changed from a person asking "Why me?" to a person asking "What's good in store for me after all these is over?". Always looking forward to the hidden pleasure behind all the hardships. Try to see the benefits behind it all that are waiting for us. May Allah gives us the strength.

May Allah bless us all. Ameen.

laden - heavily loaded or weighed down : a tree laden with apples | [incombination ] the moisture-laden air.

Being together

Coming back from school in the evening, I will cook for my family and especially for my husband who just came back from Paris after a three month stay for a job assignment. I want to make up for the time when I'm not around him in Paris and he has to eat fried rice or instant noodle almost everyday. I feel that I have failed to perform my duty to serve him as a wife. My youngest son and I managed to visit him for eight days there and was elated when he went back to our apartment every afternoon to have lunch prepared by me. Everyone would say I went there to visit Paris but that was not my intention. I went there to stay with him and perform my duty as a wife even for a short stay. Paris was a bonus. I would do the same even if he was in Vietnam.

Europeans women would find Asian women as outdated for 'humbling' themselves to their men. I have a different view. My source of happiness is to be with my family. When I come home from school, I am greeted by my roses, orchids, green plants, rabbits, chickens, cat. But they are just the accessories. What make my house my home are my husband and kids. It's the people that make up a home, a family. We would be happy anywhere as long as we are together. From a humble abode that hardly can be called a house at the beginning of our marriage to the present spacious house. We have weathered bad times. We have had good times. But through it all we are always happy for we are always together. Now the birds are leaving the nest. My kids are leaving home for college or university almost every year. But they always stay in touch with us. Especially when they are sick. That's when they miss their mom the most. Now being together is not necessarily being together physically. We are always in each other's heart. That's what matters. Not the materials.

May Allah bless us all.

Family versus career

A lot has happen lately. Time moves so fast. Time for another child to go out to the university world. We went to an education fair today. There was a big crowd. We went straight away to a booth that belongs to my eldest son university. My second son is interested in animation but there was no foundation course for animation or multimedia. To do either of these two courses, my son has to go through the diploma program first for three years before continue to first degree level for another three or four years. So I ask the officer there another similar or close course. He suggested engineering in naval architecture and shipbuilding. My son was happy. At least it has something to do with designing. And he loves art. He applied for the science and engineering foundation study and straight away got an offer letter since he's qualified for it. That's settle then. No more university hunting.

My study leave is over and I'm back to work. I can choose between working in the ministry or go back to school. If I work in the ministry, I will have my own cubicle or room and working in air conditioned room. I will be treated like an officer. But I have to travel long hours and only gets home late in the evening. Less time with my family. On the other hand if I go back to school I will have to find an unoccupied small corner in an over crowded staff room that has space for just half of us. I have to do all kinds of work from keying marks to sweeping the class if it is untidy before the students get in. But I get to go home early and cook dinner for my family. And guide my kids with their homework. To work in the ministry is very tempting but I know deep down in my heart that my family have to come first. I did solat istikharah, a special prayer to ask Allah to guide me in making the right choice. The sign that I got is to go back to school. So got back to school I did. It was only after the fifth day that my heart finally accepted the fact that this is the best choice for me.

If I'm successful at my work place, that's one person success. But if I'm successful as a mother, I'm preparing to give my country five excellent future workers. Workers that can set good examples for others either professionally or in term of Islamic practices. Workers that never fail to perform their five daily prayers no matter how busy they are. Do I really have a choice? No. I have to choose my family first. May Allah bless my choice.

May Allah bless us all.

My miracle baby

Is this pregnancy an accident? No. Do you realized that in your condition, you are not suppose to get pregnant? It's dangerous for your kidney and your baby's life. You might risk total kidney failure. Yes, I fully realized that. The Obstetrics and Gynecology (O&G) specialist stared at me in disbelief. She looked at me as though I was mad. Or as if I was in a state of trance and therefore didn't realized what I was saying. No doctor. This is a wanted and planned pregnancy.

Ya Allah I am in front of the Holy Kaaba now. I prostrate myself to you as your helpless servant. Please grant me another child that I can raise to be your obedient servant. A child that will spread your words. A child that will spread the teaching of Islam. And if you grant this wish of mine Ya Allah, please give me good health in spite of my health problem. Please safe guard my health and my baby's health.

It was only after about nine months after I got back from performing my Hajj that I found myself pregnant. My husband was elated. Could this be really true? After a gap of ten years? Well, ten years because my doctor advice me against being pregnant. To go against my doctor's advice, I need Allah's help. Praying in front of the kaaba, I feel so serene, so peaceful. A sign that I can proceed with what I want. Allah has always given me signs. In my heart.

The pregnancy wasn't an easy one. At this age, it drain all my energy. Getting to class was an enormous task. No question about taking the lap top with me as my teaching aids. Instead of having regular pregnancy check out at the local health centre, I have to go the my hospital. I have two specialist clinic to check, G&E and Nefrology. There are times when all my readings went up and the pressure on my emotion was so tense. I have to remind myself of my niat or intention.

Your blood is so thich now. It poses a danger to your fetus and to yourself too. You need to take two type of pills. But I have to tell you that one of it contain pork but the Fatwa Council that have ruled that since it is crucial for patient's life and since there's no other alternative, it is halal.

OK doctor, I understand your explanation. I never doubt the fatwa given by the Fatwa Council. But I will never take that pill. Not unless if you scan and found out that my fetus is not growing and is really in danger of dying. My decision is final. I have big plan for this baby. I don't want to have a bad start.

Now my Aiman is almost five years old. He is Allah's miracle for the family. Learning how to read the Qur'an. There is nothing that I can do without Allah's permission. We can have all the knowledge in the world, be it islamic knowledge or psychological knowledge (which is also part of Islamic knowledge), we can go to all kinds of parenting courses but without Allah's permission we will never achieve anything.

Ya Allah, please blessed all my efforts in raising my five kids. Please let us set good examples to all those around us. May our examples speaks louder than our words. Please bless this family.

May Allah bless us all. Ameen.

trance - a half-conscious state characterized by an absence of response to external stimuli, typically as induced by hypnosis or entered by a medium.

prostrate - lay oneself flat on the ground face downward, esp. in reverence or submission

elated - in high spirits; exultant or proud : the ladies returned with elate and animated faces.

Abdullah Ibn Ummu Maktum

The road was uneven. He wanted to reach the mosque of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him (p.b.u.h.), as soon as possible so that he will not miss the congregation prayer. In his blindness, he fell into a hole. He can feel that his clothes was dirty. Standing up slowly, he walked back home. Not to cancel his initial plan, but to change his clothes before going back again to the mosque.

Walking back towards the mosque, he moved carefully. He almost fell again but his hand was suddenly grasped by an other man. Holding his hand along the way, that man helped him to reach the mosque safely. But the irony is when they reached the mosque, the man will let go Abdullah's hands and disappeared. This happen everyday, the man guiding Abdullah to the mosque. He would never revealed to Abdullah who he was even when asked.

One day Abdullah can't stand the curiosity anymore. Who is this kind man after all? What's his name? As usual the man refused to tell. Then Abdullah warned him that if he would not tell, then Abdullah would not want to be guided by the man again.

I am the syaitan/devil. I guided you to mosque every day because when you fall the first time, you was not deterred by it. You keep on going to the mosque after going back home to change your clothes and because of that, half of your sins was forgiven by Allah. I'm afraid if you fall again, Allah will forgive all your sins. I don't want that to happen. That's why I guided you to the mosque everyday.

MasyaAllah. Praise be to Allah. A blind man who was whole hearted in seeking Allah's pleasure. I have to keep on reminding myself of Abdullah Ibn Ummu Maktum whenever I feel lazy. Be it procrastinating to perform my prayer on time, read the Holy Qur'an, renew my wudhu' or ablution, perform solat dhuha in the morning after the sun comes out, solat tahajjud in the middle of the night, reading to seek Allah's knowledge, etc.

I always pray so that in the hereafter I will be placed near Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h.) and his companions but what have I been doing to achieve that? My ibadah is nowhere near them. Ya Allah, I pray to you my Lord to give me the strength to keep on improving myself. There is no strength but the strength that You gave us. And there is no god but Allah.

Say: He is Allah, the One!

Allah, the eternally Besought of all!

He begetteth nor was begotten.

And there is none comparable unto Him.

May Allah bless us all. Ameen.

Stick behind a decision

We surveyed for a used MacBook. My husband and I decided to buy one because our second son wanted a Mac, not a PC. A second hand MacBook is about the same price of a new PC. A new MacBook is too expensive. Our second son is so absorbed with GarageBand, an Apple software that can create music. With this software you don't need a studio or musical instruments to produce a record. You can do it single handedly in the privacy of your room.

I called my eldest son to ask his opinion. He said it's ok. In our excitement, we forget to query about the one month guarantee. True enough. After about three months using it, it started to hang for what seem like endless time. Nobody want to use it now. No more queue line. I felt bad about wasting so much money on something that works only for a month. My eldest son said that when I called him to ask for his opinion, he was skeptical about buying a second hand product but since I sound so excited, he don't have the heart to say it. That made my stomach tighten. I said to him, "You said that because things didn't work out now. If the MacBook works pretty well you wouldn't said that. When we make a decision together, we must stick to the decision together. Just like in solat/prayer. Even when the imam forgot to perform the tahiyat awal and straight away went up for the third rakaat, all the makmum/followers must do the same. We must obey the imam even when he make mistake as long as he didn't do something sinful. It's all about staying together. When we stay together, we are strong. If we break away from the jemaah/group because we don't agree with the imam in furu'/small/trivial matters, we will be weak. Son, if we have made a decision together, and things didn't go well as we plan and hope it will be, don't ever say 'I told you so'. That's not the spirit in Islam".

My husband is a very good and fair man. He always ask for my opinion in everything that we want to do. I, in turn, will give him my opinion and ask him to make the final decision. Naturally there are times when he made decision contrary to my opinion and I accepted it happily. When things didn't turn out ok and seem to favour my opinion instead, I have to suppressed the urge to say "I told you so!". Islam is beautiful. In congregation prayer, the followers must follow the imam even when he forgot something. We can't just stop and leave the congregation prayer. We must follow the imam as long as what he forgot doesn't effect the prayer. Muslims are suppose to bring this obedience outside prayer into everyday practices. It's a recipe for a strong muslim ummah. The majority against the individual. I have always been behind my husband. Being a mortal human being of course sometimes I forgot myself. But I try to be behind my husband in everything. I guess my kids have notice this. May Allah give me the strength to be a good muslim always.

A friend suggested to me to bring the MacBook back to the store that I bought it. After a few visits and replacing the hard disk and increasing the RAM, finally the MacBook is running well again. My husband is using it in Paris to skype with us. Staying in touch almost everyday. So sticking together has its rewards! Sweet rewards.

May Allah bless us all. Ameen.

Keeping my family intact

It has been a long time since it feel so lonely as now. My husband is working oversea. For two months at least. The third time going abroad and the first first time to a far away land. The land that has four seasons and a famous tower that was supposed to be torn down in 1909 after its 20 years permit expired.

My duty is to take care of the house and family for him. This evening I took my kids along to send my second son back to his apartment. The apartment is provided freely for the staff of the animation company. He is working there while waiting for his SPM examination results; SPM is comparative to SAT in USA. We had our dinner at a restaurant nearby. Eating out is an important family gathering even though it is not done frequently. It is a time where we exchange story, joke, laughter, feeling, etc. The most important thing is it is an activity that keep us together physically and thus spiritually. Doing things together has always been the family tradition. When the kids were small, it was a natural sight to eat out together. But now when the kids are taller than us, going out together at almost midnight to have a light meal is something that draws attention to us. A family with grown up kids that goes out together at midnight is something that you don't often see. When kids grow up they tend to drift away from the parents. Allah have been most kind to me. I have a close knit family.

On the way home, my third son played a song from a nasyid (islamic song) CD. "Mom, his song is specially for you. It is your story". I listen carefully to the lyrics. When the song was over, he explained that it was about how a wife patiently waiting for her husband to come home, keeping herself faithful and maintaining her virtues. The husband prayed that the wife will be given jannah or heaven. "Thank you son for dedicating this song to me". So my kids noticed and cared. While handling the steering, I said my thanks to Allah. I'm indeed blessed with a good family.

May Allah bless us all. Ameen.