Hajj

Nostalgic. My heart will quiver every time I watched TV program on people going to perform their hajj. How I wish I can go to Mecca and Medina again. At least to perform umrah. But as my husband said since we have perform our obligatory hajj nine years ago our priority now is to save money to marry off our kids. My eldest son is 22 years old now. Getting married, according to Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him (p.b.u.h) is completing half of our religion. May Allah ease us on this holy mission.

I remembered watching outside the bus entering the city of Mecca. The stone lining up on the hill alongside the road to me are luckier than me. They were around when Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h) was living in Mecca. Looking up the sky above Masjidil Haram, I saw birds circling and hovering above Kaabah. They are luckier than me because they live in Mecca and breathing Mecca's air. 

Ya Allah, bless all the people that are performing their hajj and give them a mabrur hajj.

May Allah bless us all.

Forgiving?

Am  I really a forgiving person? I'm beginning to doubt myself. I saw her from afar but I didn't make an effort to greet her. Being someone lower in rank I should make the first move but I didn't. Her words on that day when I confronted her as to why I'm being evaluated poorly, cut me like a knife. She just brush me off as if I'm an insignificant person. But I know I can't live with this anger and frustration. It will kill me slowly from inside. I have to forgive her for my own sake. Focussing hard on finding Allah's pleasure and not seeking approval from human instead. 

When my heart quiver when I saw her again after a long time, I know that I'm not being sincere to myself. I had to slowly talk to myself to make peace and greet her. So I search for her after the function was over but she was already gone. 

Ya Allah, forgive me for this weaknesses of mine. Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him (p.b.u.h) had gone through worst incident than this. During the battle of Uhud, Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h) was bleeding from cuts he received from the enemy but what did he said? Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h) pray to Allah to forgive them because the enemy are ignorant. Subhanallah, praise be to Allah. How patience and forgiving Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h) is. 

Ya Allah, give me the strength to emulate Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h). Amin.

May Allah bless us all.

 ignorant- lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated orunsophisticated : he was told constantly that he was ignorant and stupid.

emulate - match or surpass (a person or achievement), typically by imitation : lessermen trying to emulate his greatness.

My little girl

Reading my girl's blog, I'm astonished of her progress in seeking Allah's pleasure. Just as I'm astonish to her progress with her command of English language. I'm proud of her. 

I've been trying to shape her into being a good muslimah (muslim woman) and the task is never easy. Teaching her to curb her words if it's only to win the argument, to dress up in Islamic dressing code, to feel and act like a girl even though she got four brothers and no sister to grow up with, to like cooking since she was small to prepare her for her marriage one day. 

Raising up my kids I have never and will never claim that I've been successful. Everything works out simply because Allah has answered all my prayers. I try to wake up  at night whenever possible to perform tahajjud, hajat and taubat prayer. Tahajjud prayer is the prayer that can only be performed in the middle of the night, a solid, quiet and serene time where we can concentrate on our prayer since we have no chore waiting for us. Hajat prayer is for special request that we want to ask from Allah. Taubat prayer is to seek forgiveness from Allah from all our sins. It's like preparing a cup of tea. You need hot water, tea leaves and sugar to make a complete cup of tea. Leaving out one of the prayer is like a handicap. 

Allah has always, always been very kind to me. Allah will answer my prayers only when the time is ripe. Allah let my kids make their mistakes and they learn the hard way. After that period of self retrospection, they will come back to my husband and I as obedient kids. Praise be to Allah. Allah don't give what we want but Allah gives what we need. And Allah always know better. 

Thank you Allah for always being there for me.

curb - (verb) to restrain or keep in check : she promised she would curb her temper. 

handicap - a circumstance that makes progress or success difficult : a criminal conviction is a handicap and a label that may stick forever.

retrospection - the  action of looking back on or reviewing past events or situations, esp.those in one's own life : he was disinclined to indulge in retrospection.

Ramadhan the blessed month

Thank you Allah for letting me live long enough to meet this blessed month of Ramadhan. A neighbor of mine passed away just a week before Ramadhan. I have been preparing for Ramadhan for two months. Fasting every monday and Thursday during the month of Rejab and Syakban. 

This year, like a few years lately, I do not target to finish reading the whole Qur'an. I recite the lines and read the translation. Sometimes tears will run down my face. I feel that Allah is talking directly to me. How I feel that Allah is so merciful especially to me. When Allah admonish the infidels I will crinched. Ya Allah, please don't let me be one of them. And when Allah talks about the true believers my heart will quiver. Hoping that Allah regards me as one of them and rewards me with jannah or heaven. And when Allah talks about Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him (p.b.u.h), my heart will dance with joy for Allah is talking about the person that I loved the most. My journey with the Qur'an is a journey of love.

I have been saving up for a few months so that I can give as much charity as I can on this blessed month of Ramadhan. The joy of giving to the poor, the Palestinian people, and my own family members is simply fantastic for I know that Allah will give me a lot more. Never mind if I can't spend much at the shopping complex during the sale of this festive season for I don't need much. I have more than I need. There are people out there that need the money more. My joy is not the joy of having but the joy of giving.

It's incredible how Ramadhan can transform people. Change our routine and change our attitude. When I feel tired I know how the people who went hungry feel. Allah wants us to have empathy by going through the hardship that unfortunate people go through.

Ya Allah, bless us all in the month of Ramadhan. Amin.

Anger

I was mad at my daughter because she refused to search for the missing parking ticket again. Taking a deep breath I said to her that I had made the effort to send her and my two sons to the shopping complex and fetched them again late in the evening and all I asked was for her to search again for the missing parking ticket. And I got a flat no for an answer. When my son came back to the car after getting the spare ticket from the management of the shopping complex, he talked about the animation film they had just watched but I had lost my mood to talk. He realized something was wrong but not knowing what was it. The car was quiet on the way home.

When we arrived home my husband asked my son to help him remove pieces of thick aquarium glasses. I guess my bad mood has affected my son's mood too. He was a bit hasty when putting down the glass and it cracked. My husband was really upset because each piece costs a few hundred ringgit. Thus the whole house was in a bad mood.

Reflecting myself back I realized that I should control my anger. When I failed the whole house was affected by it. It's a chain reaction. If I can control my anger things would have turn up differently. Yes I have the right to be mad at my daughter but it has cost the family a lot. A lesson learned thad I hope I can remember for the rest of my life. I hope you learn something too. As Prophet Muhammad said (peace be upon him), a strong person is not someone who is strong physically but a strong person is someone who can control his/her anger. How very true. May Allah give me the strength to be a 'strong' person as Prophet Muhammad (p.b.u.h) as prescribed.

Ya Allah give me the strength to control my anger.

May Allah bless us all.

In a dilemma?

Sometimes we are in dilemma as to what to do. As to which decision to make. As to which step to take. As to which person to choose. As to whose words to follow. A thousand and one dilemma in our life. To me the answer is always simple - choose the one that will earn us Allah's pleasure.

As human being that is full of weaknesses we tent to follow our heart. I have been married for 23 years now simply because I try as best as I could to put aside my personal feeling and choose what I know Allah wants me to do. It's no easy task. When something goes wrong we always think of doing the worst. That is normal - devil always whisper to our heart the worst thing to do. How do I handle it? I always give myself some times to cool down. Sone private time just to myself if I can. Time to let my anger and my stupid head to go. And let the whisper of angel to fill in the void. As normal human being  we are no angel. Just keep inside our head that it is Allah pleasure that we need to seek in every situation. And Allah will take care of us. 

Subhanallah. Allah has never let me down. It is me that always let Allah down. But Allah is ever so merciful. When I've astray in my words or my actions, there is always something out there to remind me back of the truth. A friend, a bird, the wind, flowers... there're so many things that will give me the reminder. For Allah is always so merciful to all mankind. 

Oo Allah, forgive me for all the second that I forgot you. You are my first love. Everyone else that I love is because of you. Have the mercy to look at my face in the hereafter. Thank you Allah for always guiding me all the way. Thank you for bringing me back to the right path when I've gone astray. There's simply no word to aptly describe my feelings for you. Please forgive all my sins and put me in jannah (heaven) so that I can watch Prophet Muhammad's face too (peace be upon him). 

May Allah bless us all.

What we need, not what we want.

Sometimes there are things that make us feel dissatisfied. Like when we didn't get what we should get. Or worst still when we watched other people get what we think we should get. We felt that there are something wrong somewhere. Well nothing is wrong. It is just that Allah didn't give us what we want. Instead Allah give us what we need. 

If Allah didn't give us what we ask for it is because Allah knows that we will forget him after we get it. Or the test is to make us stronger. Or the time is not the best of time yet. But as human being we are always weak in the face of test.

I had that test today. When I came home from school the windows were not opened. The wet clothes were still in the washing machine. The smell of stale rice hit my nose when I opened the rice cooker. The sink was filled with dried maggie. And my kids are upstair in their rooms. I went upstair asked my son to be my imam in our congregation prayer. Then I voiced out my feeling. I said all these are due to the fact that I didn't educate my kids well. The blame is on me. My son was quiet. 

After the congregation prayer I read chapter or surah Ar Rahman from the Qur'an. One verse Allah kept on repeating in this surah - 'Then which of the Blessings of your Lord will you both (jinns and men) deny?' 

This verse reminds me that there are so many blessing that Allah has bestow upon me. Why in the world should I focus on negative aspects when I'm surrounded with blessing? 

'But for him who [the true believer of Islamic Monotheism who performs all the duties ordained by Allah and His Messenger Muhammad  , and keeps away (abstain) from all kinds of sin and evil deeds prohibited in Islam and] fears the standing before his Lord, there will be two Gardens (i.e. in Paradise)' Ar Rahman:46.

Ooo Allah. Please forgive me. How can I forget your blessings for even a moment. I leave the solution of my problems to you Allah for you are the true problem solver. You are the provider. You are the sustainer. 

May Allah bless us all.