What fathers are made of

Most kids are closer to their mom than their father. They will only go to father when they are short of money. Or to seek permission to do something, that is only if the mother insist on that. Meal with mom is cheerful and noisy. Meal with father is a lot quieter and sometime awkward. Mom is the angel, dad is unreachable. Kids complaint that fathers can have amicable discussion with their friends but not with their kids. True and false.

True because outwardly that's what father is - quiet and unreachable. Aloof and unconcern. Doesn't really seem interested. False because they work their heart out to provide for their family. As comfortable as they they can provide. Men generally find it hard to spell out what's in their heart. They just show it. Problem is wives and kids rely on words more than actions.

Being married for twenty years (just celebrate our anniversary), I have long learn to be an intermediate between the two parties - kids and the father. Like the function that US ex-president Jimmy Carter did in his visit to North Korea recently. He managed to persuade president Kim to release the two US female (chinese) reporters. I become the spokesperson for my husband. Tell the kids what their father has sacrificed for them. The things that he has to let go in preference for the kids' needs. Makes them more familiar with their father. Change fear and love to respect and love. I guess that's part of empathy that I always practice.

May Allah bless all fathers. May Allah bless us all.

awkward - causing difficulty; hard to do or deal with

amicable - (of relations between people) having a spirit of friendliness; without serious disagreement or rancor

Aloof - not friendly or forthcoming; cool and distant

empathy - ability to understand and share the feelings of another

(The vocabulary is meant for my kids and others that can benefit from it. And for myself too.)

Teaching my kids

Fetching my kids from school, the car is noisy with comments. "Mama, Ustazah S just gave me 28 marks for hafalan (Qur'an memorized recitation). She gave F a full 40 marks. My hafalan is equal with F!" Talking with my kids in the car on the way home from school and during meals are valuable time for me. I like my kids opening up to me. "Well honey, maybe his tajwid (rules of Qur'an reading) of makhraj (pronounciation) is better than you," I rationalized. "No mama it's about the same. I have already checked that. Well at least give me 32 marks, not 28 only since our hafalan is comparable". When it comes to such reasoning that my kids give to me, I'm always speechless. As a teacher myself, I always defended my kids' teachers. But I know that teachers are just human that are full of flaws. It make me wonder how many students of mine complaint about me to their parents. "Oo.. You are o.k mom. You are friendly when you are teaching". Teaching in my kids school, I have taught two of my kids. Some unavoidable situation - not enough English/Maths teacher, English teacher furthering study in the middle of the year, .... Still as I mention in my previous blog, I'm looking for my weaknesses so that I can improve my teaching.

Once my son complaint to me why am I giving Abu 2 marks in one particular section and he only got 1 marks even though their answers are much the same. I simply told him "because you are my son and I am teaching your class". "This is not fair!" he complaint. "Son, you must understand that I must not just be fair but I must be seen as fair. Every parents and other teachers in the school are watching me to see whether I play favoritism, teaching my own son". My son will turn away in frustration. Once when I hand out their result, some students made a remark to me. "Teacher, why your son only got XX mark? Pity him!". My son was one of the better one in class and they were surprised of his lower score.

I'm glad when I got to teach my own kids because I can make sure they get proper lesson. But it will be a disadvantage to my kids in terms of score and they don't like that. At home, I'm a mother, not a teacher. Not that they don't always listen to me but the problem is they always procrastinate and find excuses not to study with me. Maybe because when teaching my kids at home, I'm a tigress, or close to that.

Now my eldest in already in year one doing his first degree. Kids are leaving the nest so quickly. I must cherish the time I have with my kids. My challenge now is to make sure my second son study with me as much as possible in preparation of his SPM examination. That's quite a tricky business for he is quite elusive.

Cherish our time with our family. May Allah bless us all.

Choices of life

How are you today?

I feel great. It's a beautiful day isn't it?

I had a bad day

Look at the bright side

How can you be so positive all the time?

Each morning when I wake up

I say to myself I have two choices

Be in a good mood or a bad mood

I choose to be in a good mood

What if something bad happen?

I still have two choice

To be a victim

Or I can learn from it

I choose to learn from it

It's not easy to do!

Yes it is easy

You choose how you react to a situation

Positively or negatively

Life is about choices

Every situation is a choice

You choose how you react to situations

You choose how people will affect your mood

You choose to be in a good or bad mood

It's your choice how you live your life

Attitude and perspiration is 98 percent

Fate is not an excuse

How are you after the major operation?

I am great

Want to see my scar?

No thank you

Weren't you scared?

Tremendously. But I choose to live

May Allah bless us with the right choice always

Internal vs external drive

"Son. Can I ask you one question. Why do you always operate based on external things rather than internal?" My son was quiet for a while.

Dressing up and grooming his hair, he has two mirror to help him. One to see the reflection of the back of his head, to see whether there is any strand of hair that misbehave and is out of place. What other people will say. What other people will think of him. I care how I look too but not to please others. I dress up according to Muslim dressing code. I know what Allah prescribe is best for me, in term of appearance or safety.

Why do you do things? What drive you? What make you move? Your parents? Friends? Teachers? The people around us inspire us, yes, but we must rely on ourselves the most. Pushing ourselves to the limits. Doing something because we want to do it. Not because others want to us to do it.

I have had instances when other people instruct me to do something against my liking. I'll study the pros and cons. There are things that seem impossible for me but then I rationalize myself. Would I gain something if I do it? If I would benefit then I will change it into a personal quest. Changing an external push into internal drive. Making an instruction into a personal mission. A change of perspective. But it makes a world of difference. It mean changing our attitude from a subordinate to a self manager. And that will change the environment of the working place (if in a working place setting) into a positive one.

We have a choice to torture ourselves by being negative or enjoy what we are doing by having a positive mind setting. Pick your choice. I choose to live as happily as I possibly can. By being sakinah or contented all the time. By surrendering myself completely to Allah.

May Allah bless us all.

Radio IKIM

Listening to IKIM radio (91.5 in Klang valley) especially while driving is very much like going to an online school. Not just any kind of school but school of life. Yesterday evening I was listening to usrah online talking about patience. One listener asked how can she make herself forget the memory of her husband divorcing her without any proper reason. She has managed to have more patience but this aspect still hurts so much. I guess she represent everyone of us. All of us has something that we know we should let go but we still can't. One of the panel reminded all listeners that whatever we have does not belong to us, they are just lend to us by Allah. Everything belongs to Allah. We just borrow it from Allah for a while and Allah can take it back anytime.

It reminds me of one of the similar problems that I have. I was a MARA student and was sent to US to do my first degree there. My college gave me three forms from three separate university to apply and I applied for one - Western Illinois U. When I went back home and started my career as a government school teacher, I found out that my U is not approved by JPA an thus my salary is two scale behind my peers. I'm earning the same salary as teachers two years junior than me. I was too young and didn't even know that MARA has a record of sending students without checking with JPA first. The paint live inside me for so many years. Not being sakinah or contented with my fate. Until I realize there are other people that would trade place with me. Other people has has worst fate than me.

Now, alhamdulillah (praise be to Allah), I has become contented with whatever Allah has fated for me. Every new crisis will send ripple to the tranquil pond but the pond will go back to its peaceful state. Every new crisis will give me some troubling hours or days but I will quickly settle down by praying to Allah and I know Allah will solve my problems. Allah knows better. Sometimes something is taken only to be replaced by a better one. Always have patience and see what good things are in store for us. 'Verily, every bad things is followed by good things. And verily, every bad thing is followed by good things' (two verse from Al Qur'an). Now my mind setting whenever I'm tested is what good things are in store for me after this turmoil or problems are over. I always anticipated the good things Allah has in store for me and not messing my head with the problems I'm facing. Hope you are like this too, whether you are a muslim or not. Allah is always near and always there for us. Just reach out to Him.

May Allah bless us all.

She was one of my eight roommates in Mecca (Mekah). Kak K was rather quiet. Prefer to listen to people than to chip in the conversation. Her father is my husband's roommates. Not less than 65 years old I would say. Not well and requires attentions. Always coughing. Kak K was always asking permission to enter my husband's room, attending to her sickly father. She even washed her father's ihram cloth, a big and heavy piece of cloth. She was the perfect daughter anyone could asked for.

From Muzalifah to Arafah to perform our wukuf, there was a massive traffic jam due to the new road system newly enforced by the Saudi government on that year. It was past midnight and we are suppose to reach Arafah before dawn or subuh. All the vehicles were at stand still for hours. It seem the only things that move on that night is people, not vehicles. Everyone had to walk. My husband, my mother in law and me walked for eight kilometers to reach our camp site. Some had to walk for twelve kilometers. Kak K was stranded with her wheel chair bound father. She can't walk like everyone else. And we can't help her since our hands are full of baggage. Feeling sad, we left her behind and wonder what would happen to them. Later on I found out that she managed to persuade a bus driver to give her and her father a ride to Arafah long after the dawn. After she failed to persuade a few bus drivers beforehand.

That was just one of the hardship that she had to go through to make sure that she and her father perform all the hajj rukun properly. And yet I never heard her complaint. Later I found out from my husband that her brother in law was performing hajj too on that same year. He visited his father in law once in my husband's room in Mekkah. This piece of information made me feel so sad. A son in law is around and all he did was just give the old man a visit. Kak K never tell me about her brother in law. That make me admire Kak K even more. Such patience. And such a good heart. I never heard her grumble even once. I'm not sure I can be as patient as her. We can't make claim for something that we are not tested yet. But I learn a lot from Kak K. Honesty and sincere love. She honestly and lovingly takes care of her ailing father. Undergone all the hardship and just took it in her stride. May Allah give her a big castle in Jannah (heaven).

May Allah bless you Kak K, wherever you are. May Allah bless us all.

Rationalize yourself.

My water lily

Phew! Every time I overcome an obstacle, it felt so relieved. So relief that I almost forgot how it felt in the middle of the crisis period. A dateline to meet. Tasks that seem to take ages to complete. And quite complicated to do too. I can't remember how many times I keep on saying to myself to quit. It will end all this suffering that I'm going through. But when I rationalize myself I know instantly that's the best thing to do. No turning back. It's for my own good. And I should be strong as usual.

All these bout of mix feelings are completely normal. Its part and parcel of being a normal human being. Who don't have all these uncertainty periods? But we must always make rational decisions. Weight the pros and cons of all the choices that we have. Like making a shopping list. Only a two sided list. Pros and cons.

All this will matters after a certain period has elapse. When I look back after a few years has lapsed, I would like to be contented with myself and be satisfied with the decisions that I have made. No regret.

So for now, while we are in the mud, just hang on and make rational decisions. Decisions that we would not regret in the future.

May Allah bless us all.